True Father
by phillips.emarie
Summary: As he looks into his daughter's eyes, he remembers the perfect example of how NOT to be a father. No one knows Anders's true name, nor his past before the Circle of Magi. What happened? How did an Anders man get to the Fereldan Circle of Magi? What happened to him in the Circle?


_**This is a rather short fic about a boy before he became known as Anders, the apostate, the Grey Warden rebel, the terrorist, and my Hawke's lover. This was written years ago, I guess as a way to process the negative shit that was happening to me at the time. I have more outlined and partially written. Both Awakening Anders and the Justice/Anders hybrid both have a dear place in my heart.**_

 _ **This is based on the even shorter canon story about Anders. I'm just trying to flesh it out a bit**_

The Anderfels were particularly windy today. Gales battered the old boards of the barn as a gruff Anders man and his son worked,

The milk cow called softly to her calf, and it bounded out of Elberich's hands to obey its mother. His father laughed, "If only you could listen to your parents like that."  
Elberich narrowed his eyes, not appreciating the jest. His father liked needling him so, ever since he was born, or perhaps longer, by making half-berating jokes at his and his mother's expense.

"What? You know it's true."

Elberich ignored him, turning back to his work. Now his father would accuse him of not having a sense of humor, which of he had, and a very good one, as a matter of fact. But Father had wrung dry his ability to even smile and nod at his mild case of narcissism.

"Why do I even keep you around if you're just going to pout?"

"Because you need a slave to do all your work."

He flinched when he heard his father move behind him, expecting a cuff to the head for the tone in which he spoke, but all he heard further was a sigh.

"Elberich, what am I to do with you? You can't just go around with your bad attitude all your life. It'll get you killed."

It made the boy's fists clamp tight about his pitchfork as he stabbed it mercilessly into the hay. He had a great sense of humor and was a very happy person, and that was a fact. Everyone in the nearby village liked him for it, especially the girls. No one there, however, really liked his father, for either the reasons of his self-righteousness, his narcissism or simply the fact he never really showed his face there. People liked Elberich's charm and wit; it made people naturally want to hang around him, which was more than what could ever have been said of his father. Father didn't know. He even went as far as accusing his son's friends being imaginary, on the grounds that he never saw them much at the farm (one reason being the farm boy liked town much better as a hangout than the place he could be trapped on for months at a time) and of course, Elberich's alleged bad attitude.

The lantern lighting the hay pile seemed to be glow brighter and... angrier all of the sudden, or maybe everything else was getting darker.

/Elberich, du arschgesicht, its morning! You're eyes are off./

"How you have friends astounds me." His father was starting to rant again, and Elberich was not in the mood to listen to it. He had been taught to ignore him, and simply let him rave until it was out of his system. It was, after-all, impossible to have an intelligent argument or debate with the man. If one pointed out, as calmly and tactfully as you please, a flaw in his reasoning, he would only scream louder, or begin hitting and throwing (objects if it was his wife who dared, though he comes very close to her, or his son if Elberich made the offense), or semi-sarcastically apologize how he was inadequate and how he should go kill himself.  
"Andraste knows I certainly wouldn't want to be around such a arschgefickter hurhensohn."

 _Heh, he just admitted he's fucked a dog to make me_ , Elberich said, trying to make light of the situation, something he was rather good at, but even he couldn't ignore such insults forever. _Though he did insult Mother with that. Or maybe I..._

Now a blow to his head came. He gasped, dropping the pitchfork to clutch his ear. The man was a farmer, a worker, so of course it hurt. Even though he was only twelve, no tears came. Tears only made things worse, a lesson he had learned right along with "Father's always right."

"You think it's good to be called that, with your bastard smile? Maker! What kind of stupid abschaum der menschlichen gesellschaft did I raise?" He cuffed him again. "Huh?"  
Elberich knew that apologizing only got him accused of not being sincere, no matter what the case, but maybe it would help him not get hit again. "I'm sorry, Father."

"No, you're not!"

Hearing those words, ones that had been shouted at him even when he was truly sorry, like when he killed that bird, when he hurt mother with his words, when he left the barn door open and their other milk cow was eaten by wolves... Those words, they accused him of being selfish to the point of psychopathy, of being the bastard he wasn't.

Anger burned inside him, no, not anger. Rage! Twelve years had built this up, his complacency containing it, but now he was going to fight back!'

Outstretching his arm to discourage any further blows, he whipped around to tell him how wrong his father really was, how mean and how unfair he was, but the fury spit out of his fingers before he could get to him. At least that's what he thought until his eyes adjusted and he saw they had spit fire, and had set the stall wall ablaze.

A horrible scream broke over the rushing flames. Elberich turned to his father, and found him as mirror of his own horror. His father was terrified, and that scared him even more.  
The flames grew frantic and spread, leaping towards the exits, as his father yelled, "What did you do, son?! What did you do?!"

"Father, help me!"  
Suddenly, pain seized him from his hands, and he looked down to see them engulfed in fire. Elberich started screaming himself as it shot up his arms, as if his breath gave it life. Everything was red and burning, roaring...

Something sent him flying, and the pain and burning stopped. It took him a moment to realize he was underwater, and that he needed air. He tried to surface, but something held him down by his throat. He struggled, no air in his aching lungs, legs and arms thrashing above water only for a moment before they couldn't. The black holes appeared in his vision, accentuated by flashes of red and white.

The pressure was gone. He burst through, gulping the air that was so sweet, even while it burned as ash and cinders entered his airway. He tumbled out of Bessy's trough onto the hot ground, his injuries forcing him to scream even as he choked up the slimy water.

He needed to get out.

That one thought kept him in check, kept him from panicking to the point of freezing up. He coughed violently as he staggered towards the doors, trying to nurse his hands but couldn't.

The doors were closed. Why were they closed? Where was Father?

As he limped, his legs threatened to give out beneath him. All he saw was a tunnel of red. His head swam as black holes appeared in the center, but he knew if he fell he was dead. Everything was a blazing inferno, blistering his skin as his watery protection evaporated.

He couldn't see, and could barely keep his balance, he could only hope he would continue in the right direction.

He hit something solid, but it gave way. He felt cooler air beyond...

-

"Elberich!"

Pain ripped through his body, as his vision opened up to the bright orange sky moving above him. Spark-thick smoke and flames billowed across.  
It faded, then came before his eyes again, darker with less smoke. That, too, bowed out and the next thing he saw was a face.

"Elberich!"

He couldn't focus on it, no matter how he applied the little strength he had.  
Mother's voice, he recognized it now in the fog. He moved and choked as the world finally rematerialized. His mother had him in her arms, rocking him gently.

"Mama, I'm sorry!" Elberich sobbed into his mother's chest. "I didn't mean to! I'm sorry!"

"I know, son," she said, holding him close, as the tears still streamed down her face. "It's going to be all right. Come now, shhh."

 _ **~~ Very short, yes? I have more outlined/partially written, so there will probably be more.**_

 _ **Anders's father was based on both my own parents, so I used to think this was too personal to post. But four years later, I feel much better about the whole thing. (Breaking off all contact has been nice.)**_


End file.
